Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows To Unleash Tranquility On West

WASHINGTON—In a 45-minute video posted on Tibetan websites Thursday, Tsuglag Rinpoche, leader of the Buddhist extremist group Kammaṭṭhāna, threatened to soon inflict a wave of peace and tranquility on the West.

“In the name of the Great Teacher, we will stop at nothing to unleash a firestorm of empathy, compassion, and true selflessness upon the West,” said Rinpoche, adding that all enemies of a freely flowing, unfettered state of mind will be “besieged with pure, everlasting happiness.” “No city will be spared from spiritual harmony. We will bring about the end to all Western pain and anxiety, to all destructive cravings, to all greed, delusion, and misplaced desire. Indeed, we will bring the entire United States to its knees in deep meditation.”

Kammaṭṭhāna, a radical Mahāyāna Buddhism movement, was founded in Nepal in the late 1970s with the explicit mission to spread a fundamentalist interpretation of the Four Noble Truths to all nonbelievers. According to experts, the multinational organization operates somewhere in a remote region of the Himalayas, though the current whereabouts of Rinpoche and Kammaṭṭhāna’s other high-ranking members are reportedly unknown.

At press time, sources confirmed that President Obama has authorized a preemptive strike on Kammaṭṭhāna and deployed a fleet of predator drones to bomb Tibet.